"I miss you..."

This is a text I received from a friend who I have drifted a part from. Being a young adult can be a very hard and confusing time. It can take some time to break free from the "young" to the "Adult" part of life.

In the last several years, I have had a massive turn over of friendships. Of course in the last several years my life has changed dramatically, personally. I went from living on my own, enjoying the "single" life with really no responsibility but meeting my basic needs and paying bills. To falling in love with someone, having a beautiful daughter with him and becoming his wife. With another baby on the way, my life is becoming less about me and more about my family.

So in the last few years, I have learned that our lives have many seasons... same with our friendships. As our lives change, so do our priorities and our focus' and the people we surround ourselves with. I have times when I feel a little sad with my "lack" of friendships but most of the time I am content, such as now. I think about the friends I have in my life at this moment and I know some will not be around forever, our season has come as friends and it will eventually go. These thoughts are few and far between because right now, I would like to cherish the time I have with them and embrace the things we can share and learn from one another.

In the past, some friendships parted pretty dramatically and some naturally. It is my hope that the future will bring peace and what ever will be will be. There is no sense fighting the inevitable and causing strain on something that was once a lovely relationship.

The person who sent the text has gone without a response from me. At this point, its hard to know what to say. "I miss you too" wouldnt be 100% true. I might be wrong in not responding or I might be right. I am not going to worry about what is right or wrong. It is my focus to stay on course, living in the moment and moving toward the future, whatever is in store for me and my family. My husband is my best friend ultimately.

Baby fever

I am having the worst case of baby fever! Its so bad... I wonder when the next one will come?

Growing Up

I started to go to Christian counseling 2 months ago. Initially, I wanted to go through counseling because my life has changed so dramatically in the last 2 years and I felt like I just needed to get on track within myself. The sessions are starting to go very well. The first 4 weeks were mainly me just filling her in on my whole life: my childhood, the friendships that have recently ended, everything regarding my past relationships and everything dealing with Dan and I and the situations we have endured together. I am so thankful I found a Christian counselor. She has me reading "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" and she gives me verses to read out of the Bible. At the end of each session, we have prayer and I feel so relieved afterwords.

In the last 2 weeks, I have discovered how much I still need to grow emotionally. I guess I always knew it, however its a different story when you are seeing a professional and they tell you. I also discovered how much I have lost a sense of my self worth in a way.

As of now, I am working on being principle-centered... not friend-centered (which is what I mainly am) or anything-else-centered. Just principle-centered. My mind is cluttered with details I cannot control but somehow try to. My mind is cluttered with thoughts of other people and things that just dont matter. Its not a wonder why I seem to forget a lot of things and space out more often then not. Its just time for me to grow up and build up my self-esteem and thoughts. Its time for me to grow up so the things that dont effect me and my family are not clouding up my mind.

I am so happy and confident about going through counseling. It seems to be working already! I know it will be a substantial process to change my thought process... the thought process that I have always been so use to and "comfortable" with. I am not apprehensive of the fact that I am going through counseling. I am proud of the fact that I am strong enough to see that I need to become stronger. I am proud of the fact that I can sense that there is something that is just not right within myself and I need help. I am proud of the fact that I am getting good, mature help.

My next session is just a couple of hours out from now and I am anxious to see what will become of it.

Love,
Jessa

Homework

This damned paper is pissing me off! I am going to step away from it for the night. It was hard to start (changed the subject 3 times), it was hard to be motivated (after changing the subject so many times), and now its freakin hard to conclude. On top of that, I realized I should reword my intro to help me with my conclusion.

On Wednesday I will be able to finally start my Econ. presentation and paper that is due on... THURSDAY!

One thing is for sure, I cannot wait for this week to be over! UGH!

Thinking bout you

And praying for you.
I hope the words I spoke were enough
If they broke our friendship,
Im sure they did...
Well, I just hope the words I spoke where in your head today.
You will do what you do, after all you did admit you are
being selfish.

Dont take the pill, have faith.
God is in control and there is more to life then... this.

I wonder if my faith is enough.
You were on my prayers today.

Alone in a box

I was here all along and now find myself alone.

I have no one.

There is no one who can save me.
I am not okay.
I am frozen and alone.

No one. I am frozen and alone.

I cry inside, the cuts are deep.
Heart broken I am forsaken.

No one can hear me and if they do, they turn on me and cut me down.
They break right through my soul.

I am sensitive. with a hard shell.
It is see-through
and my heart is on my shoulder ready to be picked apart

I am not okay.
It gets lonely at the top.

I see my daughter's smile, I feel my husband's touch
They seem to love me more then I love myself.

I look to God and wonder, "is this ever going to end?"
When can I find trust in this blessing called a "friend"?

Why am alone in his world, no woman to confide?
No one seems to want to share their precious time.

"I am here, is no one here to lend an ear. I am desperate."

I curl up on the bathroom floor, tears flowing from my eyes.
This is your happy girl. Now its all a big disguise.
Cant you see the pain and hurt running from my eyes?
Oh wait, your not there, it was just all a bunch of lies.

I am not okay, okay is far away.
Alone in this box
My prison in my heart.

Loosing it??

My whole world seems to be collapsing around me, I feel like I dont have a firm grip on anything latley... except for my husband and daughter, THANK GOD!- I dont know what I would do without them.
I thought I formed a good connection with a coworker and suddenly, she started slipping away. I do not know where things went wrong but suddenly she became distant and shut out. I was worried about her because we use to talk about a lot of things to each other. Then all of a sudden, it seemed whenever I talked to her, it bothered her. She was short with me for a while and I tried to ignore it. But it started getting to me because I worked with her more hours during the week then I saw my family.

I asked her a few seperate occations if she was okay. Immedeatly, she would be defensive right away as if I was trying to engage in conflict. Why would I care if she was okay if I wanted to "start a fight"? lol

Anyway... things have progressivly gotten worse to the point where I just want to leave. I didnt go to work there to make friends. My family NEEDS me to work. Needless to say, I dont have any close friends there, Dan is sleeping while I work and I no longer have a best friend. So when something like these "tiffs" happen, I have no escape out of it. I have no one to talk to. I guess its better this way because if I was close enough to people there to talk about this with, alliances would start to form and mad drama would happen. So while, she goes off and starts going on a texting rampage... I sit quietly with a splitting migraine. Sure, I will be the martyr and take the heat. So what if no one there "likes" me, I am only there to help my family out. And at least I DO my job instead of mindlessly looking and gossiping on a phone.

I am in desperate need of Famale time! And in that female time, could I request the non-fake females who are actually independent, mature adults??? PLEASE???????????

Not the plan

I think I lost a friend today.
Not just a friend, a best friend... the only one I have.

I will always be here waiting for you when you are ready.

-Jess

School

This week I have been SO stressed about my first exam in Economics. It is totally my fault because I spent all of my time this semester really just focusing on my Psychology class and not paying much attention to studying to understand Econ. Well, it all got to me this week because of the test coming up... I swear I will never procrastinate AGAIN! Ugh! Well, today was my exam day and I am happy to say that it wasnt as bad as I made it out to be in my head. I dont think I aced it but I know I passed... and really, that is all that matters to me at this point.

I do not regret not going to school until now but I do feel like me going in now is at my daughter's expense, which I am not okay with. It is a lot of work to keep her busy while I am gone. I am constantly thinking about "Has she been cooped up in the house too long?", "Does she know I miss her too?", "What can I do to make up for the time I am gone from her?", etc... I try to shelter her from the fact that I feel like I am gone way too long from her per week.

What keeps me going is knowing that I am better off getting my foot in the door now before kid number: 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 comes along... cause I really wont have the time then! And I am doing all of this for my family. In case worse comes to worse, there will be something there for us to fall back on. That fact alone makes me happy.

I love my family and there is nothing I wouldnt do for them <3

Love,
Jessa

Pedestal

Dedicated to the girls who think Im a hot-topic to be talking about lately. Glad your reading this. Its for YOU!

"Pedestal"

Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down
Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down, da da da da da da

Record sales are on the mark
Cause thats about the time the rumors start
Where all the people talking out their ass
Well, someone gotta school ya cause ya got no class
Well I've paid my dues
I'm a seasoned dame
So why you gotta throw salt in my game
You hide behind the computer screens so that you don't have to be seen
How could a person be so mean

Who are you-and what do you do
That makes you think you are above me
But have you walked in my shoes
The pedestal
You put yourself on
Well since I'm breaking it down now
It's gonna collapse and be gone-gone-gone-gone-gone

Probably one of them tag a longs down 4 the free t-shirt
Cause you're a hanger on
You think you got me figured out
Never met me have no clue what I'm about
Maybe I got things you wish you had
You need to stop the hate and get a pen and pad
I work around the clock, so fill your mouth up with a sock
And get you head up off your jock
Tell me who you are and what your background is
Tell me how you're feelin' when you listen to this

Who are you-and what do you do
That makes you think you are above me
But have you walked in my shoes
The pedestal
You put yourself on
Well since I'm breaking it down now
It's gonna collapse and be gone-gone-gone-gone-gone

Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down
Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down, dum dum dum dum
Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down
Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down, da da da da da da
Tell me who you are and what your background is
Tell me how you're feelin' when you listen to this
You think I don't see you on the Internet, I read it, don't think I wont forget

Friends... right

"Friends" who talk s*** about you behind your back are not really friends, let alone "best friends". If they were true, they would talk to you.

Also, how are you giving them a chance to change if you dont confront them about it in the first place? Perhaps if you brought what ever is bothering you up to them personally, you would be more mature.

Just a thought.

Anxiety

You have come over me like a mad-rushing wind trying to pull me around.
When my thought escape me, there you go again,
making my stomach roll, freezing my mind.
Anxiety

It paralyzes me to think about you and where we are going... more so, where you are going.
When you defend him, I am lost.
I get weak and speechless when there is happiness in your voice.
To think about seeing you and holding my breath, holding all my thoughts in.
Anxiety

I have no one to turn to when I need it the most.
Learning to confide in God. He is the ultimate friend.
Abandoned

TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!!!

Buying tickets to go to Taylor swift June 6th! I seriously am considering front row... it would be one dream come true!!!!! Any donations? That would be swell! <3

<Love>
Jessa

Incert foot in mouth __________ < Here

It was a purposeful "foot in mouth" moment. maybe I shouldnt have said it but I did. I havent made up my mind yet if I regret it or not? It is what it is... so if you didnt like what I had to say, Im sorry... i guess.... but I am blunt and I said what I said so, that is all.

Redemption. Compassion.

This song by Taylor Swift would be a song I would have written for a certain someone out there. It really hits home for a multitude of reasons... Have you ever done something that affected you and in turn, changed your world upside down? In this state of mind, you could be left depressed or unhappy. You could be left confused and looking for a way to live a happy life again. How do you find happiness in this new world? Where do you begin?

Finding happiness has to start within yourself. Finding happiness starts when you are happy with yourself and who you are. Dont look to "so and so" and think, "if I was that weight", "if i made as much money as them", "if my marriage was like theirs"... "Then I would be happy". What you will find if you reach that weight "so and so has" then you will find something else to be unhappy with. Dont try to be something you are not... like "perfect". Its not going to happen! When you find yourself in the darkest times, look within, own up and let go of the mistakes you made.

The best way to let go (and the hardest) is to forgive... Finding forgiveness for the things you have done, finding forgiveness for those that hurt you. To hang on to hate and anger feels great at first but after a while, it starts to become you and it can take over. Finding the strength to let go and forgive is being strong enough to finally start new chapters in your life.

In the perfect world, I would love so badly to be able to sit down with the one whom I hurt and to be able to reveal our sides of the story to each other in a respectful and mature way. I would love to get to that point where we would say to each other... "You know what? I hurt you, you hurt me... what we felt was real. I am sorry for the way things went down. If I could do things over again, there would definitly be changes. Lets move on and live the rest of our small lives without hate and bitterness".

This is my "perfect world" statement:
{{A coworker of mine was the unbiased point of view I needed to reveal how you might have felt with the way things were handled... and how you may still feel. All of this time, I felt like my view to see your point of view was clouded because I was just given one side of the story and I became bias to it. It was not fair. Now, I can see clearer and I feel a new sense of compassion for your feelings. Even though I do not understand and agree with some actions you took, I am able to respect your feelings toward me and the situation... when I was not able to do that before. I hope one day you can see that I am sorry for the way I handled certain things that were directed at you and very hurtful... It feels like we were kids then and even though its been a only a couple of years, I am different and more mature... if I could do things over again, I would never done those hurtful things. I hope one day you read this and try to heal. This song is for you.}}

Innocent

(some lyrics were changed)

Guess you really did it this time... left yourself in your war path. Lost your balance on a tight rope... lost your mind trying to get it back. Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days? Always a bigger bed to crawl into... Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you?

It's alright, just wait and see your string of lights is still bright to me! Oh, who your are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent... Still an innocent!

Did some things you can't speak of... But tonight you live it all again. You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now, if only you had seen what you know now then... Wasn't it easier in your firefly catching days? When everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you? Wasn't it beautiful running wild 'til you fell asleep... before the monsters caught up to you? It's alright, just wait and see your string of lights is still bright to me! Oh, who your are is not where you've been... You're still an innocent... It's okay, life is a tough crowd. 22 and still growing up now. Who you are is not what you did, you're still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers, you'll have new Septembers... Every one of us has messed up too! Minds change like the weather, I hope you remember... today is never too late to... be brand new.

Lost your balance on a tight rope... It's never too late to get it back...