"I miss you..."

This is a text I received from a friend who I have drifted a part from. Being a young adult can be a very hard and confusing time. It can take some time to break free from the "young" to the "Adult" part of life.

In the last several years, I have had a massive turn over of friendships. Of course in the last several years my life has changed dramatically, personally. I went from living on my own, enjoying the "single" life with really no responsibility but meeting my basic needs and paying bills. To falling in love with someone, having a beautiful daughter with him and becoming his wife. With another baby on the way, my life is becoming less about me and more about my family.

So in the last few years, I have learned that our lives have many seasons... same with our friendships. As our lives change, so do our priorities and our focus' and the people we surround ourselves with. I have times when I feel a little sad with my "lack" of friendships but most of the time I am content, such as now. I think about the friends I have in my life at this moment and I know some will not be around forever, our season has come as friends and it will eventually go. These thoughts are few and far between because right now, I would like to cherish the time I have with them and embrace the things we can share and learn from one another.

In the past, some friendships parted pretty dramatically and some naturally. It is my hope that the future will bring peace and what ever will be will be. There is no sense fighting the inevitable and causing strain on something that was once a lovely relationship.

The person who sent the text has gone without a response from me. At this point, its hard to know what to say. "I miss you too" wouldnt be 100% true. I might be wrong in not responding or I might be right. I am not going to worry about what is right or wrong. It is my focus to stay on course, living in the moment and moving toward the future, whatever is in store for me and my family. My husband is my best friend ultimately.

Baby fever

I am having the worst case of baby fever! Its so bad... I wonder when the next one will come?

Growing Up

I started to go to Christian counseling 2 months ago. Initially, I wanted to go through counseling because my life has changed so dramatically in the last 2 years and I felt like I just needed to get on track within myself. The sessions are starting to go very well. The first 4 weeks were mainly me just filling her in on my whole life: my childhood, the friendships that have recently ended, everything regarding my past relationships and everything dealing with Dan and I and the situations we have endured together. I am so thankful I found a Christian counselor. She has me reading "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" and she gives me verses to read out of the Bible. At the end of each session, we have prayer and I feel so relieved afterwords.

In the last 2 weeks, I have discovered how much I still need to grow emotionally. I guess I always knew it, however its a different story when you are seeing a professional and they tell you. I also discovered how much I have lost a sense of my self worth in a way.

As of now, I am working on being principle-centered... not friend-centered (which is what I mainly am) or anything-else-centered. Just principle-centered. My mind is cluttered with details I cannot control but somehow try to. My mind is cluttered with thoughts of other people and things that just dont matter. Its not a wonder why I seem to forget a lot of things and space out more often then not. Its just time for me to grow up and build up my self-esteem and thoughts. Its time for me to grow up so the things that dont effect me and my family are not clouding up my mind.

I am so happy and confident about going through counseling. It seems to be working already! I know it will be a substantial process to change my thought process... the thought process that I have always been so use to and "comfortable" with. I am not apprehensive of the fact that I am going through counseling. I am proud of the fact that I am strong enough to see that I need to become stronger. I am proud of the fact that I can sense that there is something that is just not right within myself and I need help. I am proud of the fact that I am getting good, mature help.

My next session is just a couple of hours out from now and I am anxious to see what will become of it.

Love,
Jessa

Homework

This damned paper is pissing me off! I am going to step away from it for the night. It was hard to start (changed the subject 3 times), it was hard to be motivated (after changing the subject so many times), and now its freakin hard to conclude. On top of that, I realized I should reword my intro to help me with my conclusion.

On Wednesday I will be able to finally start my Econ. presentation and paper that is due on... THURSDAY!

One thing is for sure, I cannot wait for this week to be over! UGH!

Thinking bout you

And praying for you.
I hope the words I spoke were enough
If they broke our friendship,
Im sure they did...
Well, I just hope the words I spoke where in your head today.
You will do what you do, after all you did admit you are
being selfish.

Dont take the pill, have faith.
God is in control and there is more to life then... this.

I wonder if my faith is enough.
You were on my prayers today.

Alone in a box

I was here all along and now find myself alone.

I have no one.

There is no one who can save me.
I am not okay.
I am frozen and alone.

No one. I am frozen and alone.

I cry inside, the cuts are deep.
Heart broken I am forsaken.

No one can hear me and if they do, they turn on me and cut me down.
They break right through my soul.

I am sensitive. with a hard shell.
It is see-through
and my heart is on my shoulder ready to be picked apart

I am not okay.
It gets lonely at the top.

I see my daughter's smile, I feel my husband's touch
They seem to love me more then I love myself.

I look to God and wonder, "is this ever going to end?"
When can I find trust in this blessing called a "friend"?

Why am alone in his world, no woman to confide?
No one seems to want to share their precious time.

"I am here, is no one here to lend an ear. I am desperate."

I curl up on the bathroom floor, tears flowing from my eyes.
This is your happy girl. Now its all a big disguise.
Cant you see the pain and hurt running from my eyes?
Oh wait, your not there, it was just all a bunch of lies.

I am not okay, okay is far away.
Alone in this box
My prison in my heart.

Loosing it??

My whole world seems to be collapsing around me, I feel like I dont have a firm grip on anything latley... except for my husband and daughter, THANK GOD!- I dont know what I would do without them.
I thought I formed a good connection with a coworker and suddenly, she started slipping away. I do not know where things went wrong but suddenly she became distant and shut out. I was worried about her because we use to talk about a lot of things to each other. Then all of a sudden, it seemed whenever I talked to her, it bothered her. She was short with me for a while and I tried to ignore it. But it started getting to me because I worked with her more hours during the week then I saw my family.

I asked her a few seperate occations if she was okay. Immedeatly, she would be defensive right away as if I was trying to engage in conflict. Why would I care if she was okay if I wanted to "start a fight"? lol

Anyway... things have progressivly gotten worse to the point where I just want to leave. I didnt go to work there to make friends. My family NEEDS me to work. Needless to say, I dont have any close friends there, Dan is sleeping while I work and I no longer have a best friend. So when something like these "tiffs" happen, I have no escape out of it. I have no one to talk to. I guess its better this way because if I was close enough to people there to talk about this with, alliances would start to form and mad drama would happen. So while, she goes off and starts going on a texting rampage... I sit quietly with a splitting migraine. Sure, I will be the martyr and take the heat. So what if no one there "likes" me, I am only there to help my family out. And at least I DO my job instead of mindlessly looking and gossiping on a phone.

I am in desperate need of Famale time! And in that female time, could I request the non-fake females who are actually independent, mature adults??? PLEASE???????????