School

This week I have been SO stressed about my first exam in Economics. It is totally my fault because I spent all of my time this semester really just focusing on my Psychology class and not paying much attention to studying to understand Econ. Well, it all got to me this week because of the test coming up... I swear I will never procrastinate AGAIN! Ugh! Well, today was my exam day and I am happy to say that it wasnt as bad as I made it out to be in my head. I dont think I aced it but I know I passed... and really, that is all that matters to me at this point.

I do not regret not going to school until now but I do feel like me going in now is at my daughter's expense, which I am not okay with. It is a lot of work to keep her busy while I am gone. I am constantly thinking about "Has she been cooped up in the house too long?", "Does she know I miss her too?", "What can I do to make up for the time I am gone from her?", etc... I try to shelter her from the fact that I feel like I am gone way too long from her per week.

What keeps me going is knowing that I am better off getting my foot in the door now before kid number: 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 comes along... cause I really wont have the time then! And I am doing all of this for my family. In case worse comes to worse, there will be something there for us to fall back on. That fact alone makes me happy.

I love my family and there is nothing I wouldnt do for them <3

Love,
Jessa

Pedestal

Dedicated to the girls who think Im a hot-topic to be talking about lately. Glad your reading this. Its for YOU!

"Pedestal"

Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down
Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down, da da da da da da

Record sales are on the mark
Cause thats about the time the rumors start
Where all the people talking out their ass
Well, someone gotta school ya cause ya got no class
Well I've paid my dues
I'm a seasoned dame
So why you gotta throw salt in my game
You hide behind the computer screens so that you don't have to be seen
How could a person be so mean

Who are you-and what do you do
That makes you think you are above me
But have you walked in my shoes
The pedestal
You put yourself on
Well since I'm breaking it down now
It's gonna collapse and be gone-gone-gone-gone-gone

Probably one of them tag a longs down 4 the free t-shirt
Cause you're a hanger on
You think you got me figured out
Never met me have no clue what I'm about
Maybe I got things you wish you had
You need to stop the hate and get a pen and pad
I work around the clock, so fill your mouth up with a sock
And get you head up off your jock
Tell me who you are and what your background is
Tell me how you're feelin' when you listen to this

Who are you-and what do you do
That makes you think you are above me
But have you walked in my shoes
The pedestal
You put yourself on
Well since I'm breaking it down now
It's gonna collapse and be gone-gone-gone-gone-gone

Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down
Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down, dum dum dum dum
Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down
Your pedestal is falling down, falling down, falling down, da da da da da da
Tell me who you are and what your background is
Tell me how you're feelin' when you listen to this
You think I don't see you on the Internet, I read it, don't think I wont forget

Friends... right

"Friends" who talk s*** about you behind your back are not really friends, let alone "best friends". If they were true, they would talk to you.

Also, how are you giving them a chance to change if you dont confront them about it in the first place? Perhaps if you brought what ever is bothering you up to them personally, you would be more mature.

Just a thought.

Anxiety

You have come over me like a mad-rushing wind trying to pull me around.
When my thought escape me, there you go again,
making my stomach roll, freezing my mind.
Anxiety

It paralyzes me to think about you and where we are going... more so, where you are going.
When you defend him, I am lost.
I get weak and speechless when there is happiness in your voice.
To think about seeing you and holding my breath, holding all my thoughts in.
Anxiety

I have no one to turn to when I need it the most.
Learning to confide in God. He is the ultimate friend.
Abandoned

TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!!!

Buying tickets to go to Taylor swift June 6th! I seriously am considering front row... it would be one dream come true!!!!! Any donations? That would be swell! <3

<Love>
Jessa

Incert foot in mouth __________ < Here

It was a purposeful "foot in mouth" moment. maybe I shouldnt have said it but I did. I havent made up my mind yet if I regret it or not? It is what it is... so if you didnt like what I had to say, Im sorry... i guess.... but I am blunt and I said what I said so, that is all.

Redemption. Compassion.

This song by Taylor Swift would be a song I would have written for a certain someone out there. It really hits home for a multitude of reasons... Have you ever done something that affected you and in turn, changed your world upside down? In this state of mind, you could be left depressed or unhappy. You could be left confused and looking for a way to live a happy life again. How do you find happiness in this new world? Where do you begin?

Finding happiness has to start within yourself. Finding happiness starts when you are happy with yourself and who you are. Dont look to "so and so" and think, "if I was that weight", "if i made as much money as them", "if my marriage was like theirs"... "Then I would be happy". What you will find if you reach that weight "so and so has" then you will find something else to be unhappy with. Dont try to be something you are not... like "perfect". Its not going to happen! When you find yourself in the darkest times, look within, own up and let go of the mistakes you made.

The best way to let go (and the hardest) is to forgive... Finding forgiveness for the things you have done, finding forgiveness for those that hurt you. To hang on to hate and anger feels great at first but after a while, it starts to become you and it can take over. Finding the strength to let go and forgive is being strong enough to finally start new chapters in your life.

In the perfect world, I would love so badly to be able to sit down with the one whom I hurt and to be able to reveal our sides of the story to each other in a respectful and mature way. I would love to get to that point where we would say to each other... "You know what? I hurt you, you hurt me... what we felt was real. I am sorry for the way things went down. If I could do things over again, there would definitly be changes. Lets move on and live the rest of our small lives without hate and bitterness".

This is my "perfect world" statement:
{{A coworker of mine was the unbiased point of view I needed to reveal how you might have felt with the way things were handled... and how you may still feel. All of this time, I felt like my view to see your point of view was clouded because I was just given one side of the story and I became bias to it. It was not fair. Now, I can see clearer and I feel a new sense of compassion for your feelings. Even though I do not understand and agree with some actions you took, I am able to respect your feelings toward me and the situation... when I was not able to do that before. I hope one day you can see that I am sorry for the way I handled certain things that were directed at you and very hurtful... It feels like we were kids then and even though its been a only a couple of years, I am different and more mature... if I could do things over again, I would never done those hurtful things. I hope one day you read this and try to heal. This song is for you.}}

Innocent

(some lyrics were changed)

Guess you really did it this time... left yourself in your war path. Lost your balance on a tight rope... lost your mind trying to get it back. Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days? Always a bigger bed to crawl into... Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you?

It's alright, just wait and see your string of lights is still bright to me! Oh, who your are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent... Still an innocent!

Did some things you can't speak of... But tonight you live it all again. You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now, if only you had seen what you know now then... Wasn't it easier in your firefly catching days? When everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you? Wasn't it beautiful running wild 'til you fell asleep... before the monsters caught up to you? It's alright, just wait and see your string of lights is still bright to me! Oh, who your are is not where you've been... You're still an innocent... It's okay, life is a tough crowd. 22 and still growing up now. Who you are is not what you did, you're still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers, you'll have new Septembers... Every one of us has messed up too! Minds change like the weather, I hope you remember... today is never too late to... be brand new.

Lost your balance on a tight rope... It's never too late to get it back...